WASHINGTON – Democrats and Republicans are both struggling with sorting out their newfound feelings following odd remarks made by presidential hopeful Mitt Romney while visiting London.
“Is this some kind of joke?” asked Martin Masonac, a Democrat from Shreveport, LA. Masonac was responding to Romney’s comments about lack of preparation he felt was evident at the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. “He finally opens his mouth and his brains fall out? President Obama deserves fair competition; he ain’t lookin’ for no gift horse.”
“He’s a white elephant!” added Freda Jones, a Republican and small business owner from Tempe, AZ. “He can’t be trusted by the Republican Party because at some time in the future he will need to speak again, especially if he becomes president.”
“I know other people write those speeches,” Jones added, “but what if he tries to be clever or witty like George W. Bush and accidentally adds his own thoughts to a speech? It could happen again. I’m really concerned he might even quote some dead Democratic president, or worse, mention a Clinton favorably and end up proving he’s dumber than squid.”
Still, staunch Romney backers came to the front on his behalf.
“Those Brits never got over losing the war,” said Linda Flip, a waitress in Coby, CT. “They better watch their backs cuz Mittens can up and buy their little island with one little mouse click. When he does, his first job should be fire that Cameron guy who mouthed off. Heads will roll, including that Queen; he’ll fire her! Their dog days are over, their Benny Hinn days are gone.”
“He’s definitely the best candidate for the office,” Bruce (last name withheld), a Tea Party supporter and pawn shop owner from Des Moines, IA, said, adding, “This is all Obama’s fault.”
“I’m actually Independent,” he quipped, “but Romney has my vote. He’s doing a great job already pissing off the rest of the world and putting them in their rightful place, so what if he flaunts being the richest man in political history to buy the office? He’s showing what he’s got to those wanker Brits and wasting no time restoring this country to its former glory where the honorable George W left off. It sounded a lot like the good old days with Mr. Romney this week.”
“Mitt Romney is a gift, to the American people,” Sally Radford, a housewife in Tamaqua, PA, claimed. “I’m looking forward to hearing about what he will be giving the poor people of Pennsylvania in exchange for their votes in November. I’m almost positive he has plans to give Pennsylvanians more prisons, and more wastewater treatment plants, and that means lots and lots more jobs.”
“Where I live, in Tamaqua, we have a church on every corner, a bank on every corner, and a bar on every corner. That leaves one corner at every intersection for Mitt’s best idea. I’m only hoping the unemployed men in my life can work at whatever business Mitt decides to put on all those empty corners. Who knows, maybe it’ll be more bars, or maybe he’ll put up a couple tax shelters from our new taxes where my boys can work feeding the other poor people here. It’s a job!”
“We don’t need no gift,” Mason reiterated. “Democrats have pride; we don’t want them to drop out of the competition. We can win it fair and square. Romney needs to get some backbone; he needs a decent coach, like Rocky had. How dare those Republicans insult us with a free ride!”
Romney aides were said to be chillin’ the weekend at a hot new private nightclub the candidate purchased recently in Soho called Damage Control and they could not be reached for comment.
Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire.